Tuesday, May 12, 2009



Ah, I am a simple man, with simple pleasures. I have a nine to five job like everyone else. I do my taxes, I brush my teeth after every meal and I even go outside and do outdoor activities, but sometimes, I enjoy to stay indoors and do various hobbies. Sometimes I read books or manga, sometimes I enjoy watching TV shows or an anime or two and, of course, I do enjoy to play video games every once and a while. After clocking in over hundreds of hours in the first Patapon, I quickly jumped into Patapon 2.

My love was intensified when I realized that Patapon 2 takes data from the original title. Those hundreds of hours were not lost but was given new meaning. I cruised through the game like the Flash on caffeine, destroying anything stupid enough to put any resistance. Now, I am somewhat a gamer. If a challenge arises I will step up and knock it down hard. I enjoy challenges, that is what makes certain games fun. I cruise through the game all the way to the last boss, a death god-dog ...thing. HA HA, finally this game is done, now let me beat every boss several times over with my extremely strong Patapon army, they look like they belong on the movie set of 300 they're that strong. BUT WAIT!

Its getting to the good part!

Oh snap, a new boss. Oh, this guy, from Patapon 1. This crab bitch from Patapon 1 is labeled the strongest boss in the game. WTF! Have at it sir. Now, I know what I was doing during the period between Patapon 1 and the release of Patapon 2, but good sirs and ladies, I, my friends, DO NOT HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THIS CRAB BITCH WAS DOING DURING THIS TIME.

Jesus H. Christ, this crab from Patapon 1 must have gotten his dick sucked because he's fucking my shit up, good and proper.

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Its weakpoint my ass.

Let me explain all of his FOUR ATTACKS, JUST FOUR.

- Pincer Swipe = Raises both pincers while opening and closing them alternately. Dodge. On lower levels you *can* survive an attack or two with Defend, but very very soon you can't, specially because of Hatapon. (INSTANT DEATH/GAME OVER)

- Pincer Grab = Leans forward with pincers opening and closing. Jump, or Dodge. The only thing you really have to avoid is getting in medium range, so it's fine if your ranged units are away while your melees are very closely sticking to him.(INSTANT DEATH OF ONE PATAPON)

- Sleep Bubble = Raises both pincers, opening and closing them in unison. Jump. Dodge is risky here. Usually quickly follows it up with another attack.(PUT ALL PATAPONS TO SLEEP, I CALL THIS CHECK)

- Death Bubble = Stands up tall. Kills up to 5. JUMP, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUMP. You don't want to risk yourself with Dodge. (INSTANT DEATH OF MULTIPLE PATAPONS/GAME OVER)(CHECKMATE)

I thought I never be afraid of bubbles, but fuck, keep those things AWAY FROM M-

This crab has now broken Patapon 2 for me, FUCK! To beat him you need to go off beat on purpose,(because this cheap motherfucker of a boss knows your beat and goes off beat on purpose to catch you with your pants down so he can rape you like its a fucking prison scene) losing your fever and all, just to save your ass. FUCK THIS CRAB AND ITS MOMMA, I'm eating crab next time I'm at a restaurant. A LOT OF THEM!


In all seriousness, I'm still playing Patapon 2 in hopes to beat this Crab Bitch. I understand it is slightly childish to be upset at a fictional decapod crustacean because it beats me up in a dark corner of a room with infrared goggles, but I have to give credit where credit is due. The creators of this game have created a monster, one i hope to kill within the next couple of minutes or so. I thank them. I also like to apologize to anyone who was offended by my very colorful language, its not the norm but after some crab I should be calm.

See you later


Club GAME Podcast said...

Fucking Crab! Episode 0 is up.

Doctor said...

No words

Foxy we are waiting for your words of wisdom.

Peterson drew first blood.

Expect more elusive stuff on the site,

Anonymous said...

Nice rant. Damn crabs. LOL

Anonymous said...

Ugh... that last picture made me feel sick *I hate crabs too, but only the real ones ;)*

Good luck with it.

ShikonSoulreaper said...

If you really look for it, you can find a crab (or crab-like creature)in almost evey game you play. With the exception of certain genres, such as fighting games and RTS you can find a crab. Hell, I know every Zelda has a crab, almost every Mario, Metraiod, Castlevania and Donkey Kong have 'em.

Anonymous said...

Peter here

Yea, because crabs are generally ugly creatures no matter how much Disney plays up Sebastien from Little Mermaid. Just add a tusk and a tentacle or two and you got yourself an ugly little beast. Good thing they're small. God, I hated the crabs from sonic 2.

PS. My patapons are now crab killing devils. You won't know if I was playing a game or watching an episode of "The deadliest Catch."

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